The trash pig   2 comments

Page One

Our moderator this afternoon is Ellie Ellys, chairperson of Shelburne Falls Citizens Against Ugly Yards.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Our guest speaker at  Don’t Ask today is Dr. Justin Tyme, eminent Northampton founder of the anti-homosapiens movement in philosophy, and author of many best-selling books, including Babies Are Highly Nutritious (and there are too many of them anyway). Our first audience question today comes from Pucky Pikloski of Turners Falls, proprietor of  Pikl’s Bait and Burgers in that town. You may stand up, Mr. Pikloski.

Ah, ya, okay. Well hello, Mr. Case, my name’s Pucky Pikloski, like the lady said. You probly know my family ’cause my mother was a nurse in the Northampton schools for years. Her name was Priscy…

What question would you like me to answer for you, Mr. Pikloski.

Oh, ya, okay. Well, it’s like this. My neighbor is always puttin’  his trash out the afternoon before the pick-up. It sits there all that time, and animals pull it apart, and half the stuff gets drug into my yard, and I always gotta pick it up. See, I wanna walk over to his house and give the guy a fuckin’ knuckle sandwich ’cause he ain’t got no right to let his crap mess up my property. An’ if’n I do it, he’s gonna call the cops. Ya know he is. So what does a smart guy like you got to say about it?

I’m sure you know, Mr. Pikloski, because you’re here speaking to me about this, that the anti-homosapiens movement believes human beings to be the worst form of vermin ever to infest the planet earth, ourselves included. And we are dedicated to either enlightening or exterminating these vermin at every opportunity that presents itself.

Now, the laws of this land have not evolved to be in keeping with anti-homosapienism, and so you will no doubt be unjustly arrested by the bullet-headed constabulary if you give this neighbor his well-deserved knuckle sandwich. In your position, Mr. Pikloski, I myself would consider simply exterminating this low-life piece of shit who doesn’t possess the first idea of how to conduct himself courteously and respectfully in matters of refuse. But if your position on human beings has not yet reached the absolutist stage, I would certainly, at the very least, present this pustule with the aforementioned knuckle sandwich. Yes, you will, I fear, need to take the unjust punishment that will be inflicted on you, but consider it a step in the advancement of the anti-hs movement.

What’s the alternative? Talk sweet to this neanderthal about his garbage? I imagine you’ve already tried that.

Yup, a bunch o’ times, and it don’t make no difference. He just keeps on keepin’ on.

Of course he does, because he’s a cretin lacking the normal number of grey cells. Smash him in the kisser, Mr. Pikloski, and all of us in the anti-hs movement will be picketing outside the jail when they arrest you. You have our support.

Well, I guess that’s why you sell all them books. You’re a real smart guy. I’ll do it. I’ll even think real hard about just up and killin’ ‘im. I’m gonna pop that garbage fat-ass in the kisser, and when the cops come, I’ll think about all them supporters I’m gonna have.


Ellie Ellys: I’d like to personally thank Mr. Pikloski for wearing his shirt today, and many thanks to all of you in the audience, and especially to our eminent speaker, Dr. Tyme.  Please join us next week in the Greenfield High School auditorium for the next session of Don’t Ask.


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Posted June 24, 2010 by sehnen in rant, satire, turners falls

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2 responses to “The trash pig

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  1. Brilliant my friend. I’m going to hop on over to Amazon and see if they have a copy of “Babies are Highly Nutritious” which hopefully will include recipes.

  2. Well, I thought you would go for this.

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